You did it! What a smashing success! The 2004 Olympics beat the 2003 Olympics in every way, shape, and form! And it was all because of you! The beer was delicious, the talent was top notch, the meat candy was outstanding, and the weather was perfect for sitting indoors and playing game after game after game! We had some serious competitors and some seriously intense matches! The Tennis final went the distance. The Football final went into overtime. The Wrestling final lasted forever. The fight for the Billiards player had never been so intense! All in all, it was one heck of an unforgettable four days! We had beer, we had brats, we had Rattner Really Rare, we had Joe Namath, we had more beer, we had video games, we had West Coast, we had even more beer, we had Official 2004 VGO Glasses, we had T-Shirts, we had East Coast, (did I mention that we had beer?), we had a leader jersey, we had Andrew Hynek's Blackened Pizza, we had Blaha Burgers, and we had 14 Olympians kicking ass all over the place! Already I can hear you asking, "Well, what can you possibly do to top this?" Well, never you mind your pretty little heads! I guarantee that this year’s Olympics will be even better! The VGOC met over the weekend, and many new enhancements and improvements were approved and will be implemented this year. What kinds of things am I talking about? First, the scoring system has been completely overhauled and reworked from the ground up. The old system was archaic, it was antiquated, it was prehistoric, and it has been replaced. Additionally, 2004's team day competition didn't quite work out as planned. Already the VGOC has implemented safeguards for 2005 that will guarantee the completion of all team events and activities. In 2004 we completed 17 individual events. 17! That's a 55% improvement over 2003! With the enhancements and tweaks to 2005's Official Event List, we should breeze through all 17 events and be able to complete at least five team events. In 2003 we had 12 Olympians. In 2004 we had 14! Who knows how many top-notch cyber-athletes we'll get for 2005? And finally, new individual event entry rules should make things even more interesting. With all of this and more, 2005 will have it all! Stay tuned, and be sure to reserve your place now for the 2005 Olympics!
Okay, okay, before I get ahead of myself, let me run down a few of the highlights from the 2004 Video Game Olympics. First of all, here are the teams:
Team I Love The Internet:
Evan Rattner
Todd LeGare
Owen Justice
Brett Cote
Team He Hit On My Girlfriend, Too!:
Andrew Hynek
Jon Blaha
Andrew Schneider
Hugh Ackerman
Dave P.
Team Chris, Phone!:
John Schneider
Mike Reider
Zach Zins
Peter Henke
Although six team events were planned, only Hockey and Event Golf were completed. Both were won going away by Team Chris, Phone! Unfortunately, the Halo competition ended prematurely and the rest of the team events were scrapped due to poor planning on the part of the VGOC. Those responsible have been punished and new safeguards will be in place for 2005. The VGOC promises that Halo 2 will get completed this year! Stop bitching and start practicing now!
The
Individual Events
Mario Kart 64
We know all about Andrew
Hynek's heroic journey from poor altar boy to Traveling Super Star in Zach
Zins' Mario Kart Circus. But none of us knew the depths to which he fell
after the 2003 Olympics. Ashamed and embarrassed after a tough loss to
Zach Zins in the Mario Kart finals, Andrew turned his back on alcohol and
walked away from video games forever. No longer able to work with a clear
conscience as an MKC Traveling Super Star, he quit his job and spent all of his
winnings touring the country on behalf of various anti-alcohol
and anti-video game organizations. After his landlord kicked him out
of his apartment for failure to pay back rent, he ended up wandering the
streets spreading his word. Muttering incomprehensible nonsense, he
looked nothing like his former self. Disheveled, cold, and hungry, he
managed to stumble his way into an Irish bar. Although he had
no money with which to buy food, he was told that if he won some sort of
competition in the back room he'd earn enough money to buy himself a bar
burger. Curious and starving, he stepped into the back room and signed
himself up. He took the last open slot on a sheet labeled "MII
MKDD." As he listened to the rules, he realized he had signed up for
a video game competition. Even though this went against everything he had
campaigned for recently, he was too exhausted to protest and decided to
participate anyway. Although he was lightheaded and delirious, everything
simply fell right into place when it was his turn to compete. The
controller felt right. The game felt right. He felt right. He
started winning. His problems slowly drained away behind him. With
each victory, he was thirsty for more. Speaking of which, he was really,
really thirsty. He wanted a beer. He NEEDED a beer. He tried
to fight off the urge and focus on the game, but he was unable to do
so. As the competition continued he couldn't fight it anymore.
He was comfortable. He was at peace. This was it. This was
his calling. This is what he was meant
to do. He asked someone, "Am I in heaven?" The response
was, "Sorry, man, Hastings." He said, "Well, grab me a
damn beer and keep 'em comin'!" That was the turning point in his
life. He used that experience to fuel his desire to come back to the 2004
Video Game Olympics and take that trophy away from Zins. The Mario Kart
trophy didn’t belong to Zins, it belonged to him! Everything he did from
then on was done to be sure he would win the Mario Kart 64 trophy at the
2004 Video Game Olympics. He asked to be reinstated as a Traveling Super
Star in Zach Zins' MKC. He contacted his local beer agent and got his
"pony keg of the week" membership renewed. With those two
things rightfully back in place, he trained tirelessly day and night, week
after week, right up to the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Olympics.
Although Victor Thompson was unable to make the trip, 2004’s Mario Kart 64
finals featured some of the biggest heavyweights known within the Mario Kart
circuit. Zach Zins, Andrew Schneider, John Schneider, and, of course,
Andrew Hynek all made it to the finals. Looking to avenge his loss to
Zach Zins from 2003, Andrew Hynek went ahead early and didn't look back.
He was nearly untouchable through the first two cups and by the time Zach
finished a distant fourth at "The Parkway," Hynek's easy victory was
sealed. Zach Zins, working hard to win the BPG trophy, seemed to be more
than a little out of it the entire time. When questioned later about his
poor performance, Zins slurred together something about Rattner's mom and went
for another beer. Hynek, on the other hand, dedicated his performance to
McCabe's Bar in
Final Standings: Mario Kart 64
1. Andrew Hynek
2. Zach Zins
3. John Schneider
4. Andrew Schneider
Mario Kart Double Dash!!
The Mario Kart Double Dash!! event at the 2004 Olympics was supposed to be Victor Thompson's event to lose. Fresh off an early season domination of the Dave P. Invitational, Victor was primed and ready for a first place podium finish at the Olympics. All of the pieces were in place. He was peaking at the right time. He was systematically crushing the competition during Olympic tune-up trials. Then, disaster struck. Accused by an "unknown" source for using illegal skill enhancers, Victor was left to defend his honor. When the VGOC ruled that Victor Thompson had been caught in a blood doping scandal of epic proportions and was ineligible for the 2004 VGO, the Olympic Community was sent into a frenzy. Everyone was crying "foul" and pointing fingers trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Most Olympians defended Victor. "He is a good guy, I don't think he'd be involved in that kind of thing," Peter Henke said. Troy Harder chimed in with, "It's obviously a witch hunt. This is the same b.s. that held me back last year. I guarantee you that he is innocent." Only one Olympian seemed okay with it. "Hey, he cheated fair and square and should be banned from competing,” said Andrew Hynek. "We want a level playing field. If he cannot play by the rules, he cannot play. It is too bad, but we have to be strict about these kinds of things." So, with Victor banned from the 2004 Olympics, it appeared to open the door for Andrew Hynek to run away with another first-place finish. Things were not so rosy, though. John Schneider actually dominated the first cup and held a slim lead over Andrew Hynek through the first half. At halftime, John, Andrew, and Todd LeGare were all within a few percentage points of one another. At this point there was an Olympic mandated break in the action as the Olympians all refueled and relaxed for five minutes. Once the competition resumed, it was clear that one Olympian was head and shoulders above the competition. Andrew Hynek won seven of the final eight races (including the last six in a row) and completely outclassed everyone else. John was a distant second and narrowly outlasted a late surge by Todd, who finished third. Andrew Hynek raced to the podium with trophy in hand and "Quart in Session" thumping throughout the Olympic Village.
Final Standings: Mario Kart Double Dash!!
1. Andrew Hynek
2. John Schneider
3. Todd LeGare
4. Evan Rattner
5. Dave P.
ESPN NBA Basketball 2K4
After Zach Zins completely
and utterly dominated the 2003 NBA competition, he toured the country at length
in celebration. Stopping at every bar from Point Barrow to the
Final Standings: ESPN NBA
Basketball 2K4
1. John Schneider
2. Andrew Schneider
3. Zach Zins
4. Peter Henke
5. Evan Rattner
Bond 64
Although Andrew Hynek's controversial
Bond 64 "win" in 2003 should have been all of the rage in 2004, Brett
Cote actually stole most of the headlines. Declaring victory a full month
before the actual Olympics started, Brett broke all kinds of unwritten codes of
ethics. Most Olympians were disgusted by the condescending
assertion. "What an arrogant prick." Todd LeGare said.
"What does he know about finishing in first place?
Nothing!" Even the usually antagonistic Zach Zins had this to say,
"That was B***S***, man. That's something you just don't do. I
don't care who you are, you don't disrespect your fellow cyberletes like
that." Streetz chimed in with, "The road to the Bond 64 trophy
goes through me, not some rookie kid, I can tell you that." With
most of the Olympic community fuming, Brett kept a low profile, focusing
instead on drinking his beer-flavored water. When it came time for the
actual competition, Brett was nowhere to be found. It was rumored that he
wasn't able to overcome the distractions of the Olympics and had to
withdraw. Dave P. snickered, "What a pansy. That guy couldn't
out drink a fourth grade girl at communion." Once the competition
started, the story was Evan Rattner. Sure, John Schneider, Andrew
Schneider, and Andrew Hynek all made it to the finals, but the fourth spot,
usually reserved for a guy like Zach Zins, was occupied by Evan Rattner.
Rattner was on fire during the first heat. No one could touch him.
This unranked nobody from eastern
Final Standings: Bond 64
1. John Schneider
2. Andrew Schneider
3. Evan Rattner
4. Andrew Hynek
Outlaw Golf
Outlaw Golf is synonymous
with the name Troy Harder. Although everyone knows that now, it wasn't
always the case. Growing up in southeastern
Final Standings: Outlaw Golf
1.
2. John Schneider
3. Todd LeGare
4. Dave P.
5. Hugh Ackerman
Top Spin
After his heroic run to
the tennis final in 2003, Owen Justice spent his off-season working on his
tennis game. He started by purchasing a tennis simulation to learn the
basics. He scheduled daily training sessions. He honed his skill in
online competitions. He destroyed all would be competitors in every
single pre-Olympic tennis tournament. Entering the 2004 Olympics with a
number-one worldwide tennis ranking, Owen was wary of only one other competitor
-- the always-dangerous Peter Henke. In what Henke describes as a
computer "glitch", he was ranked number two coming into the
Olympics. "Hey, I don't know anything about fancy computers or
elaborate ranking systems," Henke said. "All I know is that my
game will speak for itself when the time comes. I don't need any voodoo
math to make me feel better about myself." Owen countered with,
"Let's all calm down and examine the stats. You cannot earn the
number-one worldwide ranking without being the best in the world. It is
just not possible. Simply put, I am the best and I will prove it this
upcoming weekend. That's all there is to it." With bold
statements coming out of both camps, the Top Spin event quickly became one of
the most anticipated events of the Olympics. Once the event started,
neither cyberlete had any trouble defeating their respective first-round
opponents and easily advanced to the second round, ever closer to an epic
showdown. In the second round, Henke faced off against Andrew
Schneider. In the single most entertaining match-up during the entire
Olympics, Henke eked out an impressive three-set win that lasted two hours
and had a record 31 combined games played. Although Henke emerged
from the second round with a victory, Owen would not be so lucky. Forced
to play Todd LeGare, the dominating quick study from south-central
Final Standings: Top Spin
1. Todd LeGare
2. Peter Henke
3. Andrew Schneider
4. Owen Justice
5. John Schneider
Madden 2005
After Jon Blaha's extremely
disappointing overall finish in the 2003 Olympics, he spent most of the
off-season looking for answers. Although he really wanted to blame
someone else, once he examined the film and reviewed his performance, he
decided that he had no one to blame but himself. If he really wanted to
get serious and give himself a chance to bring home some hardware, he was going
to have to stay awake during the Olympics. This would be no small
task. You see, at the age of three, Blaha was diagnosed with
narcolepsy. Although he had lived his whole life working around the
condition, it was time to confront it head on. If he really wanted to
make a name for himself at the Olympics, he was going to have to get rid of his
narcolepsy. At first, he was entirely unsuccessful. He tried
caffeine. He tried pills. He tried Breathe-Rite strips. He
tried exercising. He tried turning up the volume. He tried rolling
the window down. He tried eating sunflower seeds. He tried
everything. Nothing worked. No matter what he tried, his narcolepsy
would sneak up on him and --BANG!!-- he'd be out for a full three hours.
He was beginning to think all was lost. He was certain he'd have to live
a life of Olympic disappointment year after year after year. Then one
day, just when his narcolepsy was about to take him away forever, a baby
starting crying in the distance. It was so very irritating. The
crying grew louder and louder. Then, once the crying got to a level where
Blaha thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the bitching started.
"I TOLD YOU TO FEED THE BABY 2.56 OZ. OF FORMULA, NOT 2.58! YOU KNEW
WHAT IT WOULD DO TO HIM! I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE DIAPERS ON THE LEFT SIDE
OF THE GARBAGE, NOT THE RIGHT SIDE, YOU IDIOT! I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO
MY MOM AND MARRIED STAN!" Although Blaha wanted to open up the
window and yell bloody murder at his neighbors, he realized something. He
wasn't tired. He hadn't fallen asleep. The narcolepsy was
gone! This was it! This was his cure! All he had to do was
get married and have a kid, possibly twins, and everything would work out!
So he married his girlfriend, got her pregnant, and began his training.
Once the kid was born, Blaha's narcolepsy was a distant memory. With his
wife constantly bitching and the kid crying nonstop, the narcolepsy never had a
chance. Able to practice narcolepsy-free, he trained night and day, right
up to the 2004 Opening Ceremonies. He was ready. He had licked his
narcolepsy and he had the talent to go all the way to the top. His first
opponent was Zach Zins. He beat Zins in 2003 and the outcome in 2004 was
no different. Blaha easily defeated Zins, 20-8. Blaha was in his
groove. Everything was falling into place. This was going to be his
year. However, in the semifinal game, disaster struck. Foolishly
thinking that he should try and play his Olympic games with a much lower BAC
than he used on the practice field, Blaha was outplayed, outsmarted, and
out-drunk by reigning champion Peter Henke. Afterward, Blaha had
this to say, "That was my single biggest mistake in 2004. Obviously
my low alcohol consumption contributed to my extremely poor play. Next
year, I plan on doubling my intake. As a result, my performance will
improve. It's worked for Zins, Henke, and the Schneider brothers, so it
will work for me in 2005." In the title game, Henke thoroughly
outplayed an overmatched John Schneider and dominated every single statistical
category except the score. Although not a single person can explain
it, Schneider somehow found a way to win in overtime, 21-14. "Hey,
you can slice it any way you want, but at the end of the game, the only stat
that matters is the score," Schneider said. Henke responded with,
"I just do not understand it. I had more passing yards. I had
more rushing yards. I had the ball longer. I dominated that
game. I mean, did he even get one f'n first down? How in the world
did I lose?" With Henke left scratching his head and the Olympic
Village thoroughly confused, Schneider accepted the first-place trophy and
beamed with pride as "Ring of Fire" played in the background.
Final Standings: Madden 2005
1. John Schneider
2. Peter Henke
3. Andrew Schneider
4. Jon Blaha
5. Zach Zins
NASCAR HEAT
Resetgate haunted Dave P. for
an entire year. As a direct result from 2003's
Final Standings: NASCAR HEAT
1. Todd LeGare
2.
3. John Schneider
4. Owen Justice
5. Andrew Hynek
Paper Boy
For the second consecutive year, Todd LeGare was making a serious run at the Billiards player. Dominating early in nearly every event, LeGare was unstoppable. Coming off big wins in Top Spin and NASCAR HEAT, Todd was ready to take home yet another trophy, this time in Paper Boy (Mystery Event #1). "I have to admit," LeGare said, "this event shouldn't be much of a contest. The question isn't 'who is going to win', but rather 'who is competing for second place.' I think it is fairly obvious to everyone by now that I am basically unbeatable at these events. No one can touch me." Andrew Schneider thought LeGare's comments were out of place. "Hey, that jackass doesn't know anything about me. What a c*cks*cker!" "That LeGare has always been a condescending assh*le," Dave P. said. "I hope he loses." With the mudslinging reaching a new low, LeGare channeled his energy into the game and delivered a devastating first round score of 25,126. "Good luck, kiddies!" LeGare said. "You'll need to lie, cheat, and steal to beat that score. You may as well give me the trophy now." One by one each cyberlete stepped up, tried, and failed to beat LeGare's first-round score. Most of them had to put up with LeGare's god awful heckling and annoying, condescending assertions. Just when it appeared LeGare would run away with yet another trophy, Andrew Schneider took his shot. Early on, LeGare was all smiles as he did his best to throw Andrew off of his game. But after awhile, it was fairly obvious Andrew wasn't influenced by the same old routine. He passed 5,000 points with ease. He hit 10,000 without batting an eye. He breezed on by 15,000 and hadn't even lost a guy! He was closing in on LeGare. Andrew hit 19,000. Then 20,000, 21,000. LeGare didn't know what to do! He started pulling out all of the stops! Twenty-two thousand! LeGare began pushing Andrew, trying to bust up his rhythm. Twenty-three thousand! Then LeGare, terrified Andrew may actually beat his score, really let it fly, "Oh, Andrew, you are so much better than I am at this game. You are so very good. I could learn so much from you. Oh, my high score doesn't stand a chance. I don't even know why I entered this event in the first place. It was all for fun, anyway. I mean, I don't even care anymore." Then, as Todd watched with glee, Andrew, who was unable to take it anymore, crashed three straight times and posted a final score of 23,102. Todd then screamed, "Suck it!" and ran to the podium with trophy in hand and "I Like Big Tits" blaring in the background.
Final Standings: Paper Boy
1. Todd LeGare
2. Andrew Schneider
3. John Schneider
4. Andrew Hynek
5. Jon Blaha
Showdown: The Legends of Wrestling
Showdown: The Legends of
Wrestling featured the triumphant return of one of gaming's original
legends. Andrew Schneider, the self-proclaimed "third-best
Olympian", finally gained entry into the most exclusive and prestigious
event in the entire world. This was a monumental turning point in his
life and a revitalization of his career. A little over one year ago,
Andrew was wallowing in near obscurity on the semi-pro circuit. His
dreams and aspirations of qualifying for the Olympics were a distant
memory. Things weren't always that way. A prodigy at an early age,
Andrew was pegged to be the next Richard Garcia. At the age of ten,
Andrew became the youngest person ever to join the pro tour and shot up the
worldwide ranking charts. By 15 he had cracked the top ten.
At 17 he was in the top five and on the eve of his 19th birthday, he was on the
verge of overtaking Brian McCabe at number one. With smashing good looks
and a charming personality, Andrew appeared to be ready to take over as
gaming’s ultimate ambassador. Most pundits thought he would capture the
imagination and attention of the casual fan, giving gaming the much needed push
into the mainstream. Everyone wanted a piece of him. Sponsors were
constantly knocking at his door, showering him with cash. He hit the
late-night TV circuit. He had standing invitations to every single major
video game tournament. Then, when seemingly nothing could go wrong,
everything did. At his first major tournament to promote his soon-to-be
number one worldwide ranking, he lost in the first round to a virtual unknown
from southeastern
Final Standings: Showdown:
Legends of Wrestling
1. Todd LeGare
2. Andrew Schneider
3. Peter Henke
4. Evan Rattner
5. Andrew Hynek
ESPN NHL Hockey
2K4
When Evan Rattner arrived at
the 2004 Olympics, it marked the culmination of everything he had dreamed of
for so many years. Growing up in an affluent neighborhood in northeastern
Final Standings: ESPN NHL
Hockey 2K4
1. John Schneider
2. Evan Rattner
3. Andrew Schneider
4. Peter Henke
5. Todd LeGare
Karaoke Revolution
2
Mike Rieder was raised in a
house full of song. Every day at
Final Standings: Karaoke
Revolution 2
1. John Schneider
2. Todd LeGare
3. Streetz
4. Dave P.
5. Hugh Ackerman
Dance Dance
Revolution 2
With Twinkle Toes Thompson
banned from the Olympics due to his involvement in a blood doping scandal, it
appeared to pave the way for another monumental showdown between heavyweights
Todd LeGare and John Schneider. Not
surprisingly, something else took center stage.
Once again, a possible cheating scandal was unfolding as Andrew
Schneider and Jon Blaha were suspected of some shady scoring and song-choosing
tactics. Although no one can prove
anything, the scorecards of both were suspicious enough that there will be a
full-time official monitoring both of them in 2005. It is unfortunate that this story
overshadowed what should have been one of the biggest stories to come out of
the Olympics. Todd LeGare, after a year
of dedicated practice and training, unleashed the most impressive DDR display
to date. After his run was over, Todd
was confident. “That ought to shut up
that John Schneider guy. He keeps
runnin’ his mouth about nothing time and time again. His ego’s writing checks his body can’t
cash!” Then John calmly stepped up to
the dance pad and unleashed the most unbelievable run in Olympic history. With two six-footers and an unheard of
eight-footer in the final round, he nearly doubled LeGare’s seemingly
impossible score. As John accepted his
first place trophy to the uplifting and relaxing tune of “Ring of Fire”, most
members of the Olympic Community were stunned in disbelief. What would LeGare and Schneider do next?
Final Standings: Dance Dance
Revolution 2
1. John Schneider
2. Todd LeGare
3. Andrew Schneider
4. Andrew Hynek
5. Dave P.
Super Smash
Brothers Melee
In a game that seemingly no
one had trained for or even played, it should come as no surprise that Todd
LeGare dominated. With cat-like reflexes
and a matrix-like learning speed, LeGare was the cyberlete to beat. As expected, he dominated all would-be
contenders with ease and added a condescending flair the way only he can
do. As he accepted his first place trophy,
the Olympic Community groaned as the mildly offensive “I Like Big Tits” droned
on in the background.
Final Standings: Super Smash
Brothers Melee
1. Todd LeGare
2. John Schneider
3. Andrew Schneider
4. Andrew Hynek
5. Dave P.
Virtua Fighter 4
The fighting game of 2004
displayed the untapped potential of a first-time Olympian. Hugh Ackerman, a wild-card entry from south
central Minnesota, was a pleasant surprise in Virtua Fighter 4. Winning early and often, this unranked
underdog was extremely popular with the peanut gallery and developed a large
following. You could hear the cheers all
over the Olympic Village every time he won another match. Just when he seemed poised to take it all, he
lost a heartbreaker in a tough match to John Schneider. Although everyone was encouraging him to keep
his chin up and find the strength to go on, Hugh was devastated and emotionally
drained. To the disappointment of his
fans, he canceled his remaining match-ups and withdrew from the event. Although Hugh was unavailable for comment,
Peter Henke offered this, “Hey, he is a first time Olympian who had something
to prove. This business is tough
physically and emotionally. He simply
cracked under the pressure. I’m sure
that in 2005, with a full year of experience under his belt, we will see a
different Hugh.” Although the Olympic
Community wasn’t completely satisfied, they all eventually joined in when “Ring
of Fire” played during the trophy presentation.
Final Standings: Virtua
Fighter 4
1. John Schneider
2. Hugh Ackerman
3. Dave P.
4. Evan Rattner
5. Andrew Hynek
Baseball
Although Zach Zins’ loss to
Andrew Hynek in Mario Kart 64 was disappointing, nothing was as embarrassing as
his loss to Todd LeGare in baseball during the 2003 Olympics. It haunted his every waking moment for an
entire year. Every time someone said
anything even remotely related to baseball, Zins would see a flashback of his
five-inning loss to LeGare. When he arrived
at the 2004 Olympics, Zach was looking for some serious payback. “Hey, I lost to LeGare in baseball. That is completely ridiculous. If I want a shot at some real hardware again
I am going to have to beat the tomato cans.”
LeGare responded with, “Tomato can?
How much has that guy been drinking?
I’ve won half of these events already.
Sometimes I feel sorry for Zins.
Actually, no, I probably don’t.”
When they met for their second round match up, tension was in the
air. Every time he hit the ball, Zins
yelled, “Eat that, you c*cks*cker!” As
LeGare calmly flagged down fly balls and turned double plays with ease, he’d
slap Zins on the back and say, “Have another drink, buddy! The game’s going fine!” Although LeGare seemed to be in much better control
of himself and appeared to be on the verge of taking the upper hand, Zins made
all of the right plays at the right times, manufactured runs the old way, and
went on to win the game. Afterwards,
Zins was so excited about his big victory that he took off all of his clothes
and paraded around the room naked in celebration. Even though Zins still had one more game to
go before winning it all, he didn’t seem to care. When he had finally calmed down enough to
play in the championship game against John Schneider, it was obvious that he
had wasted all of his energy running around before the game. John thoroughly dominated Zins, 16-2. When asked later if perhaps he had jumped the
gun a bit early, Zins said, “Man, you just don’t understand how much that loss
to LeGare was bringing me down. I had to
beat him this year. I had to. And when I did, emotion just came over
me.” Interesting emotional response to
have in front of a bunch of guys, but, to each his own. Then, the Olympic Village happily sang along
as John Schneider accepted his first place and “Ring of Fire” played in the background.
Final Standings: Baseball
1. John Schneider
2. Zach Zins
3. Andrew Schneider
4. Todd LeGare
5. Evan Rattner
The Beer PG (The Foolish Rooster Game)
If there ever was an event
that Hugh Ackerman seemed born to do, it was the Beer PG. He learned early in life that when it came to
drinking beer, no one could touch him.
So when the Beer PG was revealed at the 2004 Olympics, Hugh snickered
mildly to himself and looked around the room.
“It looks like I’ll definitely be getting some hardware,” he thought. “There is no way any of these losers can even
hold my jock in this event. I am going
to dominate.” Although Andrew Hynek
raced out to an early lead, he couldn’t match the first night intensity of
Zins, Hugh, and Andrew Schneider. The
“Big Three” quickly began fighting fiercely for the right to wear the leader’s
Foolish Rooster jersey. Hugh cautiously
warned his competition, “Remember, guys, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. We have a few days to go and a couple of
events left to get to tonight.” Both
Zins and Andrew dismissed him at hand and continued pounding beers. “I warned them,” shrugged Hugh. “It’s on them now.” Just before the Karaoke event began, Andrew
screamed with joy as he earned the right to wear the leader’s jersey. A scant 3 minutes later he chucked the jersey
at Hugh and “went to bed early”. Hugh,
looking for a little competition, found none because it appeared that Zins also
had decided to “take a quick cat nap”.
So, with no competition in sight, Hugh went to the keg, filled himself
up, and put on the jersey. The next day,
Zins and Andrew Schneider woke up early and headed straight to the keg. After working it for a few hours, Zins had
overtaken Hugh and earned the right to wear the jersey. As the Olympic Village watched in awe, Hugh
went up to the board, realized he was exactly one beer down, and quickly made
up the difference in less than two seconds.
He filled up, looked at Zins, and proclaimed, “Go back to bed, Zins. Daddy’s home!” From that point on, Zins struggled mightily
to keep up with the leaders.
Interestingly, Hugh had no problem at all. As a matter of fact, Hugh seemed virtually
unaffected, while Zach was having extreme difficulty putting together a
coherent sentence. Although it appeared
that Hugh would run away with the title, this was not to be his year. Unfortunately, he had made a scheduling
error, and his return flight left the Olympic Village a full day before it was
over. In spite of this, he still somehow
managed to finish in fourth place overall in the Beer PG. “Jeez, what a bunch of candy-asses,” Hugh
said afterward. “I mean, c’mon. If you cannot beat me when I’m not even
there, just give up now. You stand no
chance of winning next year.” Zins
responded with something about Rattner’s mom, but no one was really sure what
he said. The Olympic Village chuckled as
a “sleeping” Zach Zins was presented with his first-place trophy and “Straight
Otta Compton” played in the background.
Final Standings: Beer PG
1. Zach Zins
2. Andrew Schneider
3. Peter Henke
4. Hugh Ackerman
5. John Schneider
5. Andrew Hynek
Awards
So, there you have it! In no surprise to anyone, Zach Zins earned
the aptly renamed “Zach Zins Award”, and Andrew Hynek easily won the first
annual “Victor Thompson Award”. The real
surprise of the Olympics came when the VGOC determined that the “Porn Star
Award” belonged to Andrew Hynek.
Although Peter Henke was furious, the VGOC stood by their decision. “Simply put, Andrew Hynek was this year’s
Porn Star,” the VGO Chairman said. “He
most definitely outlasted Henke. As a
matter of fact, Henke even missed a few of the events because he couldn’t
handle the distractions of the Olympics.
This was well documented. Henke
just has to come out in 2005 and earn it back.”
Andrew Hynek quickly chimed in with, “Yeah, right. Henke stands no chance in 2005. You are looking at the soon-to-be first ever
back-to-back Porn Star Award winner!”
With all of the rivalries
developing and a ton of unfinished business left over from 2004, 2005 is shaping
up to be the most anticipated Olympics of them all! The 2005 Video Game Olympics will kick off at
5 p.m. on Friday, August 19, and run through Monday, August 22. With a full slate of events scheduled for
Friday night, don’t be late! You
wouldn’t want to miss out on an opportunity for some hardware because you were
caught in traffic. Be sure to check out www.thevgos.com for
all of your Olympic needs.
The 2004 Top 3 Olympic Finishers
|
1. |
The 2004 Video Game
Olympics Grand Champion: |
John Schneider! |
|
2. |
The 2004 Video Game
Olympics Runner Up: |
Todd LeGare! |
|
3. |
The 2004 Video Game
Olympics 3rd Place Finisher: |
Andrew Schneider! |
The 2004 Video Game Olympics Official Standings
|
1. John Schneider: |
118 |
|
2. Todd LeGare: |
78 |
|
3. Andrew Schneider: |
63 |
|
4. Andrew Hynek: |
47 |
|
5. Peter Henke: |
30 |
|
5. Zach Zins: |
30 |
|
7. Evan Rattner: |
26 |
|
8. Troy Harder: |
17 |
|
9. Hugh Ackerman: |
12 |
|
10. Dave P.: |
10 |
|
11. Owen Justice: |
6 |
|
12. Streetz: |
5 |
|
13. Jon Blaha: |
4 |
|
14. Brett Cote: |
0 |
As soon as you know which
song you will be using in 2005, please forward it on to me. I’d love to have all of the songs in one
place on one CD/iPod. It will make
things much easier. Also, be sure to
bring a copy of the song to the Olympics as a backup, just in case.
Once again, thank you for
your participation, involvement, and continued enjoyment! It couldn’t have been done without you! You are totally awesome DOT COM! Don’t forget: the 2005 Video Game Olympics
will kick off on Friday, August 19, at 5 p.m.
We will see you there!
Yer Good Buddy,
John Schneider