This was Chris Enock's big event coming into the Olympics. Sure, he had some serious fighting talent and was one of the pre Olympic favorites, but he really felt like Hitz was his game to lose. You see, growing up near 151st street of upper Manhattan and working as hot dog vendor in Hell's Kitchen, Chris knew firsthand the hardship of being a New York Rangers fan. Just like his own life, the Rangers would lose year after year, putting the skyscrapers of prosperity further and further out of reach. Then, the unthinkable happened. In 1994, the Rangers beat all odds and won Lord Stanley's Cup for the first time in many, many years. It was then that Chris decided anything could happen. America was the land of opportunity! So he sold his only source of income, his hot dog stand, and went to Minnesota, the world's premiere video game hotbed, to take his shot at immortality. And now, Chris finds himself at the pinnacle of his career at the ultra exclusive Video Game Olympics, where the best of the best gather to determine every year, once and for all, the overall champion. After breezing past his first round Hitz opponent, Chris found himself head to head with Dave Whiteman, the #3 overall ranked Hitz contender. After jumping out to a quick 4-1 lead, it looked as though Chris would walk his way into the finals for a match up with one of the greatest, John Schneider. This would be the stage where Chris would showcase his talent and prove to everyone worldwide that he had arrived and that just like the Rangers back in 1994, he was the best and at the top of his game. But then, maybe Chris looked ahead. Maybe he had discounted the abilities of his opponent. Maybe the distractions of the Olympic Village got to him. Whatever the reason, we'll never know. What we do know is that Dave Whiteman staged one of the most dramatic comebacks in Olympic history. He battled all the way back and when the regulation horn sounded, the score was tied at 5-5. Chris was in for the fight of his life. After getting snubbed in the pre-Olympic rankings, Dave was trying to prove that he belonged in Top 5 conversations. In the end, Chris was powerless to stop the comeback and Dave stunned the sold out crowd with an impressive 6-5 overtime victory. Although Chris was devastated, he gathered himself and soundly defeated a reeling Jon Blaha and earned a third place finish. The focus shifted as the title game between John Schneider and Dave Whiteman was about to begin. Dave and Chris began talking a lot of trash because John came into the event with a Hitz ranking of #1 and Dave and Chris felt they had been slighted with their #3 and #2 rankings respectively. John thought it best to let his skill, not his mouth, do the talking and proceeded to crush Dave 16-5 in the title game that was not nearly as close as the score indicated. For the second time, John headed to the podium with a first place trophy in hand and "The Perfect Country and Western Song" playing in the background.
The Top 5 NHL Hitz 20-03 finishers were:
1. John Schneider
2. Dave Whiteman
3. Chris Enock
4. Jon Blaha
5. No consolation winner awarded
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NBA 2k3
Prior to the Olympics, Sgt. Kickass had dominated every single NBA 2k3 tune up tournament. Asked if he was peaking too early, Sgt. Kickass replied, "Everyone else sucks. I have no peers and I have no competition. Everyone else is playing for second." Born in Wisconsin and raised much of his life by goats, Sgt. Kickass was forced at an early age to be the primary wage earner for his family while living in the tough streets of St. James, Minnesota. While most kids his age were attending school and playing with friends, Sgt. Kickass was working day and night, doing his best just to get by and giving his younger sisters a fighting chance in the process. Sgt. Kickass's future looked bleak until one day, a very long time ago, he was able to bust on to the scene. Sgt. Kickass recounts the events, "I remember it well because I had just finished up my shift at Hardee's. I was on my way to my third job that night, scrubbing toilets at the St. James Rest Stop, when a chance encounter with a young lady changed my life forever. I was still in my Hardee's uniform and she invited me to a gathering where they were playing these things called 'video games.' I had always been curious about these things so I decided to go check it out. Even though my sisters were relying on the money I would earn at the rest stop, I figured I would simply and quickly drop by the party, check out the games, and leave. Little did I know how wrong I was. You see, they were playing the snes version of Mario Kart. I was fascinated by this game. I put my name in for a turn and when I finally got my chance, I won the race. As a matter of fact, I did not lose the entire night. There was a game representative there and I picked up my sponsorship right then and there and haven't lost since." While that isn't entirely accurate, the rest, as they say, is history. Sgt. Kickass trash talked his way into an NBA 2k3 finals meeting with John Schneider. Sgt. Kickass, riding Larry "The Legend" Bird the entire tournament, scored 75% of his 70 team points with Larry Legend, and won decisively 70-55. Sgt. Kickass ran to the podium with trophy in hand and led everyone in a rousing rendition of "Straight Outta Compton" as it blasted in the background.
The Top 5 NBA 2k3 finishers were:
1. Sgt. Kickass
2. John Schneider
3. Peter Henke
4. Dave Whiteman
5. No consolation winner awarded
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DDR MAX
With only two sports events left, the focus turned for a moment to DDR MAX, the dancing game that Victor Thompson felt was his best event. Forced at an early age to earn a living cleaning latrines and shining shoes for more privileged children at private schools, Victor vowed to one day leave his life of working for pennies forever. Maybe it was his quickness at avoiding the oncoming hallway rush of students. Maybe it was his speed at navigating around the bathroom while he cleaned and shined. Whatever the reason, Victor's foot speed and gracefulness were never in question. One day, he took his weekly earnings for a night on the town. He went down to the arcade and saw a big dancing machine. Although it would take all of his "extra" money for the month to play, Victor stepped up on the machine and put his money in. Within no time he was dancing away, breaking all records. A throng of people gathered around and began chanting his name. "Twinkle Toes Thompson" is what they called him in those early days. Never again did Victor have to clean another latrine or shine another shoe. He danced his way to stardom and right into the Olympics. After Victor's first DDR pass in the Olympics, he was leading the pack. Then, John Schneider and Todd LeGare bested his score. Needing a big time score to get back into the lead, Victor went all out, maybe a little bit too all out, and crashed and burned on a 7 footer, paving the way for a showdown between Todd and John. Todd finished up both of his passes and held on to a slim lead over John, who still had one pass to go. On John's final pass, who was the only competitor left with a chance to catch Todd, it came down to the final song. John choose "Rhythm and Police," a high tempo song that could possibly, just might provide him with enough points to win if he nailed it. Well, he very nearly nailed it and when he was done his final score was 154,590,000. Todd's score was right around there. The Olympic Village raced to the scoreboard. There, in lights, on the big Olympic scoreboard was Todd's best score: 154,530,000. John had won! He and Todd had an emotional embrace and John jumped up and down with his first place trophy as "The Perfect Country and Western Song" played in the background.
The Top 5 DDR MAX finishers were:
1. John Schneider
2. Todd LeGare
3. Victor Thompson
4. Dave Whiteman
5. wombat marx
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World Series Baseball 2k3
With Clark Marshall's Olympic invitation suspended pending drug charges (which he has since cleared), it looked as though Dave Whiteman would cruise to his first victory of the Olympics. He was matched up with John Schneider in the semi-finals, a worthy opponent, but one he had turned aside time and time before, and figured to do so again. Although Dave grew up in upscale Rosemount, his life was anything but silver spoon. At a very young age, his parents sold him into a life of service, where he was forced into a loveless marriage at the ripe old age of 13 for tax purposes. It looked as though Dave was going to sleepwalk his way through life, working weekends and without vacation for the rich family which he had been forced to serve so many years ago. Things looked bleak for Dave Whiteman. Then one day, his owners had a dinner party for some executives in the area. One of the executives had a game division within his company and had brought along a baseball video game with him for the children to play. As the children were laughing and playing, Dave received permission to go watch the game for 5 minutes. The children, wanting to play a cruel joke on Dave, invited him to play. Well, it was obvious from the get go that Dave had serious skills, which the executive noted. He purchased Dave's lifedebt, annulled his marriage, and decided to sponsor him. Now Dave travels the world showcasing his baseball skills and teaching many youngsters along the way. Unfortunately for Dave, history would not give him the storybook ending he was looking for as he lost his semifinal game with John Schneider 14-9 in embarrassing fashion. In the other semifinal game, Todd LeGare outpitched Sgt. Kickass and earned himself a trip to the finals. Once again, the finals pitted John versus Todd. John jumped out to a 1-0 lead and Todd answered back with a run of his own in the next half inning. With the score 1-1, John was unable to get anything going with Todd's overpowering pitching force. In the top of the 3rd, Todd took advantage of some pitches left up in the zone and powered ahead 2-1. John was able to answer back with a run of his own in the bottom half of the 4th inning. The score stayed at 2-2 until the bottom half of the final inning. John slapped out a couple of hits and had runners on 1st and 3rd with one out. Now we'll take you to Dave Whiteman who was calling the action. "The score is tied 2-2 with runners on the corners and one out. Here's the pitch from Todd. The runner goes! The pitch is a called strike and the throw to second is...in time! They got the runner at second! But hold on! The runner on third is heading home! I can't believe it! John Schneider sent both runners! And he successfully scores the winning run by stealing home! John wins and will take home the trophy tonight! That was a great finish!" John headed to the podium with trophy in hand and "The Perfect Country and Western Song" playing in the background.
The Top 5 World Series Baseball 2k3 finishers were:
1. John Schneider
2. Todd LeGare
3. Dave Whiteman
4. Sgt. Kickass
5. No consolation winner awarded
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Mario Kart
In one of the most anticipated events, wombat marx was looking to end Sgt. Kickass' legendary longtime dominance in Mario Kart. wombat marx, who had spent many of his younger years as a Mario Kart prodigy, finally was going to have the opportunity of facing his longtime idol. "To me, Sgt. Kickass is larger than life." wombat marx said. "I have spent most of my life honing my Mario Kart skills, trying to model my game after Sgt. Kickass'. He is the single biggest factor in my life. Because of Sgt. Kickass paving the way, I now lead a life of luxury, traveling from country to country, city to city, showcasing my skills, generating new fans, and earning money along the way. I couldn't have done it without the early efforts of our game's great pioneer, Sgt. Kickass. I owe him everything. And now I owe it to him, myself, my fans, and the world, to show them all that I am the new Mario Kart Champion. I am ready to face him, thank him, and defeat him." Life wasn't always so wonderful for wombat marx. Growing up poor and working for pennies in the hot and dry Texas heat, wombat marx drifted from town to town and rancher to rancher looking for work. Abandoned by his family at an early age, wombat marx was orphaned to the church where he was released into the world at the age of 12. It was during these church years where he developed an internal strength through religion. It was from this training that he was able to cultivate his deep sense of inner peace which guides him through his chaotic daily life. One day, on a rare day off, wombat marx was able to hop a bus to the nearest city where Sgt. Kickass' Mario Kart Circus happened to be on display. Although Sgt. Kickass wasn't actually there (at this point Sgt. Kickass had more than one touring MKC), wombat marx was nonetheless fascinated by what he saw. He was shocked and awed by Sgt. Kickass's domination of "The Parkway." He was thoroughly impressed with Sgt. Kickass's creation of and master of "The Rear Fire." After standing in line for two hours, wombat marx finally got his chance to try the game. After a rough first race, it quickly became obvious to everyone there that wombat marx had a gift and a lot of natural ability. Well, before he knew what happened, he was touring the world, making bushels and bushels of money, done with his former life as a poor cow herder. wombat marx came into the Olympics ranked #2 at Mario Kart (behind Sgt. Kickass), so he would have to get out of his heat in order to face Sgt. Kickass in the finals. The first heat featured Sgt. Kickass, Victor Thompson, Peter Henke and Jon Blaha (who had retired). The outcome was so close they had to go an extra race to determine who would represent Heat 1 in the finals. As the extra session proved, Henke and Blaha were simply overmatched and Sgt. Kickass and Victor headed to the finals. Heat 2 had its share of heavyweights in addition to wombat marx. wombat marx, John Schneider, Owen Justice, and Todd LeGare faced off in heat 2. Although Owen and Todd were doing extremely well at times, the experience of wombat marx and John were too much. In the end, wombat marx and Schneider advanced. And then came the Mario Kart finals. Here it was. The big meeting. Even though four people were competing, everyone was talking about Sgt. Kickass versus wombat marx and wombat marx versus Sgt. Kickass. Early on, through the first four races, Sgt. Kickass had a commanding lead. wombat marx was actually back in third! Was the pressure too much? The strain too great? wombat marx had started to implode a bit. Screaming and yelling, it looked like he had lost his composure, but he still managed to stay within striking distance through races 5-8. He calmed down and began to close the gap during races 9-12. With only 4 races to go, Sgt. Kickass commented that the scores were "too close for my liking." wombat marx won a couple of the last races but Sgt. Kickass "held serve" so to speak at "The Parkway" and was able hold off wombat marx's charge down the stretch. When the final points were tallied, Sgt. Kickass had defeated wombat marx by the surprisingly close margin of 3 points. It came down to the wire but Sgt. Kickass was able to defend his title as the "World's Greatest Mario Kart Champion." "Now there is no question." Sgt. Kickass stated, "I have unified the Mario Kart belts. No one can question my domination. I am the undisputed Mario Kart Champion of the World!" As soon as Sgt. Kickass was officially announced as the champion, he ran to the podium clutching his trophy while belting out the lyrics to "Straight Outta Compton" as it thumped in the background.
The Top 5 Mario Kart finishers were:
1. Sgt. Kickass
2. wombat marx
3. John Schneider
4. Victor Thompson
5. No consolation winner awarded
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Madden NFL 2004
In the last event of the Olympics, Owen Justice looked to pick up some points. "Although I don't think I can beat Peter, I'm fairly confident I'll waltz my way into the finals." Waltzing is something Mr. Justice isn't all that familiar with. Although he grew up in the lap of luxury in Chicago, his life was not all peaches and cream. "There were countless times I was called upon to clean up my own room" Owen admitted. "I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with that crap all of my life." So at the young and dumb age of 17, Owen quit school, left the penthouse, and moved to Minnesota where "with any luck, I'll never ever have to clean my room again." After unsuccessfully trying to earn a few sponsorships and bouncing around a bunch of high level amateur leagues, Owen finally hit pay dirt in late 1996 when he received a low end racing sponsorship. That relationship grew and established Owen as an international superstar, although he his still having difficulty proving himself here as a national star. "Hopefully, this Olympics will put me on the map in this country and in the same conversations with Henke, Sgt. Kickass, LeGare, and even the Schneider brothers. I think my overall finish this Olympics will speak for itself." In the first round he faced Todd LeGare and easily defeated him with a 28-0 victory, leaving Owen feeling good and confident about his second round match up with John Schneider. Unfortunately for Owen, his storybook ending did not happen because he was unable to withstand the distractions of the Olympics for the second time and had to retire. That left John to face Peter Henke for football supremacy. In the first half, Peter looked strong and ran out to a 14-0 lead. But John made some necessary halftime adjustments and came out strong in the 3rd quarter. After John cut the lead to 14-7, the score stayed that way until deep into the fourth quarter. At this point, John had the ball 70 yards from the endzone with 2 minutes to go. With all the precision of "The Drive," John was able to run the two minute drill to perfection and get a touchdown with 15 seconds left, cutting the score to 14-13. John opted for the extra point, but Peter was offsides on the attempt and John opted the second time to go for two. John did not convert leaving him one point behind. On the ensuing onsides kick attempt, John miraculously recovered the ball (no, there's no catch up in Madden), giving him one last chance to score. John, out of timeouts, somehow managed to get out of bounds and within field goal range with 3 seconds to go. Two delay of games later, however, John was out of field goal range and out of time as his final hail mary pass landed harmlessly on the ground. Peter won in dramatic fashion, saving himself a completely embarrassing Olympics, 14-13. He went to the podium, raised his hard earned trophy far above his head, and bounced in time to "Hippa to da Hoppa (and ya just don't stoppa)" by Old Dirty Bastard as it played in the background.
The Top 5 Madden NFL 2004 finishers were:
1. Peter Henke
2. John Schneider
3. Sgt. Kickass
4. Owen Justice
5. No consolation winner awarded
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Unfortunately, too many people were unable to withstand the distractions of the Olympics and the Bond event was scratched. There's always next time.
Awards
Sgt. Kickass and Peter Henke, beginning the long and difficult process of tuning up for 2004, continued to play long into the night after the Olympics had officially ended. Right around the very late, late time of 6 AM, they were presented with a surprise. Due to their overall Olympic performances, each of them had earned another trophy! Sgt. Kickass won the 2003 VGO Charles Bukowski Award for obvious reasons and Peter Henke won the 2003 VGO Porn Star award because he had the staying power of a porn star.
The Top 3 Olympic finishers were:
1. 2003 Video Game Olympics Grand Champion: John Schneider!
2. 2003 Video Game Olympics Runner Up: Todd LeGare!
3. 2003 Video Game Olympics Third Place: Sgt. Kickass!
Team Winners
1. Team We're Making a Racing Game: 13 (122) (6)
2. Team Throw Controller: 7 (85) (4)
3. Team Dammit Dave You Just Hung Up On My Dad: 6 (73) (3)
The final Olympic rankings were:
1. John Schneider: 74 (automatic invitation to 2004 VGO -- top 3 overall finisher)
2. Todd LeGare: 57 (automatic invitation to 2004 VGO -- top 3 overall finisher)
3. Sgt. Kickass: 31 (automatic invitation to 2004 VGO -- top 3 overall finisher)
4. Dave Whiteman: 30 (automatic invitation to 2004 VGO -- team winner)
5. wombat marx: 18
6. Chris Enock: 17
7. Peter Henke: 15 (automatic invitation to 2004 VGO -- individual event winner)
7. Dave P: 15
9. Owen Justice: 11
10.Victor Thompson: 9
11.Jon Blaha: 3 (automatic invitation to 2004 VGO -- team winner)
12.Nezzie: 0
Team members from Team We're Making a Racing Game, please see me for your Official Team Trophy.
Once again, I would like to thank everyone who participated in the 2003 Olympics. It was an outstanding experience and could not have been done with out you! Thank-you!!!
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Throw Controller: Todd LeGare Chris Enock Wayne Nesbit Owen Justice
wombat marx Dave P Sgt. Kickass Victor Thompson
John Schneider Jon Blaha Dave Whiteman Peter Henke